Changing our view of respect is perhaps the most important decision to create a world that supports our mental health. But it would be earth-shattering.
There are a few definitions of respect that people operate with.
- know your place
- display the proper amount of decorum for each person based on their station in society
- heed the advice that people give you, especially if they are older
- admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
- include everyone, especially those with protected characteristics
-everyone is equal but some are more equal than others
- let people grow in their own way.
Hierarchical Vs Egalitarian Respect
Roberto Mordacci (2019) distinguished between
hierarchical definitions of respect that create a vertical society where some are more worthy of respect and
egalitarian definitions of respect that create a horizontal society where everyone is equally worthy of respect
Our Chimp brains want a hierarchy, to shift responsibility and unwanted tasks to leaders and subordinates, so that's our default position.
The egalitarian movement arose in the Enlightenment with Immanuel Kant and other proponents of living a virtuous life, although I'm sure there are people who've valued it throughout history.
I always wonder why those ideas like kindness, equality and cooperation never caught on. The answer is they aren't instinctive. It takes a conscious, converted effort to remember to use egalitarian respect when your instincts might be telling you to get angry and insult someone. We need to think in human mode to use it and we sometimes don't know when that is.
For Adler, and so many people, egalitarian respect is the way forward. Erich Fromm has a great definition in The Art of Loving!
To respect a person is not possible without knowing him; care and responsibility would be blind if they were not guided by knowledge. Knowledge would be empty if it were not motivated by concern. There are many layers of knowledge; the knowledge which is an aspect of love is one which does not stay at the periphery, but penetrates to the core. It is possible only when I can transcend the concern for myself and see the other person in his own terms. I may know, for instance, that a person is angry, even if he does not show it overtly; but I may know him more deeply than that; then I know that he is anxious, and worried; that he feels lonely, that he feels guilty. Then I know that his anger is only the manifestation of something deeper, and I see him as anxious and embarrassed, that is, as the suffering person, rather than as the angry one.
Let's unpick it:
- forget about ideals and norms
- everyone has a unique way to live
- figure out your way but don't impose it on others
- try to understand other people's ways if you want to help them
Forget about ideals and norms
All attributes are subjective. Nothing is universally good and nothing is universally bad. But the apparent advantage of certain features is etched in the stone of our consciousness. My teenage son's biggest fears involve hair and weight. Thinking that the quality of life depends on such characteristics leads him to check his reflection at every chance he gets and probably causes huge stress.
Ideas about what makes the perfect man, woman, leader, relationship, home etc leave us with a huge amount of problems.
Fortunes are spent on cosmetics and procedures that have no long term effects on our happiness and probably don't solve our problems as a species
Industries are built on debating, advertising, judging and critiquing the standards of beauty and style. This might be a lifestyle choice for them but their choices can elevate or relegate vast swathes of the world with no regard to their character or their values.
There is no possible way of conforming to all these standards. Although you're a good employee, you might not be a good husband. When you're looking after your mental health, you might have ignored some one else's needs. No matter how hard you try, there will always be another target to reach for. Pursuing all of them won't satisfy you.
In order to achieve perfection, we ignore or endure so much injustice. Marriage and nuclear families are held as the ideal but, when things aren't right, they aren't immune from abuse, domination and depression. In fact, the respect for marriage often leads people to look the other way.
This last point is also why no one questioned appalling practices in the movie industry, institutional racism in the police and scandals with religious leaders and celebrities. More than anything else, this is the biggest reason why we need to challenge hierarchical respect.
Whenever we have an assumption about the way to live, it ranks everyone in the universe and some will be higher than others. It's an instinctive thing to do but we can stop ourselves.
Everyone has a unique way to live
This is key. Over the last thousand years we've been moving away from controlling feudal systems and monotonous work practices. We have more freedom in the UK than we've ever had. But people still feel trapped: in a job, in a relationship, in a family.
According to The Courage To Be Disliked, true freedom is not feeling compelled to seek anyone's approval. Imagine if you really didn't care what your boss, your mum, your partner, your neighbours, your priest, your personal trainer etc thought of you. You might want to insult them and get some thoughts of your chest, but then you'd get to show them your true self.
Personal story alert:
Only last year, I was close to a breakdown. On paper things were good. We had six weeks of Summer holidays and I was miserable. Without the endless distractions of work I had nothing to base my success on. I felt like everyone I met would see I was pathetic. I felt like a terrible dad and husband and didn't want to get out of bed. I tried to do big gestures to impress my wife but they always backfired. I kept comparing myself to the man she met and imagined her disappointment.
Reading this book was the first step. Instead of worrying about all those roles and whether people would like what I did, I did things because I wanted to do them. Instead of feeling that there was something wrong with me, I decided that I didn't have to be good at everything all the time. It was liberating.
A year later and on paper life is still the same. I feel a lot less guilt about taking time for myself and can shrug off criticism about inconsequential things. Naturally, I forget the lessons I need to remember and so life has gone up and down since then. At least 50% of my motivation for writing this blog is to keep thinking about my own advice and storing it in a way that will help me remember everything.
Figure out your way but don't impose it on others
In later posts, I'm going to elaborate on how to figure out your own way. In theory, it should leave you free from what anyone else expects and doing the things that bring you joy.
The significant part I'd like to underline a million times is that you can't impose values on anybody. Don't judge and don't control.
Your values and way of life are no use to anybody else. They'll probably have a different set and shouldn't chase yours. Don't judge them and feel superior. You're both equally worthy of respect.
If you give someone advice or help, don't expect anything in return. No matter what you do for somebody else, it is beyond your power to control whether they like it or give you credit. There's no use feeling offended if they ignore it - you decided to get involved and they didn't.
Try to understand other people's ways if you want to help them
The last part of the definition is probably the hardest: for every single person you meet, you can't assume that you know more than they do, you can't assume that you know a lot about them and you should never act like somebody needs to change.
For this approach, you have to listen, be curious and try to understand. There are several approaches for active listening but, unless you really show respect, all attempts will be in vain.
Conclusion
We use Erich Fromm's definition of respect:
Comments