Our sense of self-respect is partly based on factors that are entirely out of our control. If you're anything like me, you might find it tempting to blame yourself for failure or disappointing others. This post is about exploring why that is and if we can get rid of it.
What's wrong with hierarchies?
The previous post explores the need for hierarchical respect. Our Chimp systems need to secure a good position in the troop to avoid being ejected and exploited. Therefore it is very important to know that other people think highly of us.
The problem is that this is inherently irrational. It is impossible to make everyone happy. We cannot guarantee that our plans will succeed. Sometimes we do bad things in order to be viewed positively. Take a look at this diagram.
My main goal for this post is to persuade everyone who reads it to drop hierarchical respect. Unfortunately, what you think is beyond my control so I can only leave some facts here with no disappointment if you don't take them on board. (I remember hearing James Smith say that pain is a greater motivator than desire so I've focused on the damage it causes).
Pain Points of Hierarchical Respect:
It incentivises masking, cheating, manipulating
It's impossible to reach the top of any hierarchy, let alone all of them
It encourages using people to increase status
Good actions aren't always rewarded; bad actions aren't always punished
It prevents you from understanding yourself because you have to focus on other people
What should we respect people for?
There is no point judging someone for things they can't control. So what can we judge people for? The things that they can control. Let's take a look at the accurate version of that diagram:
What other people think, what happens around you, the success of your projects is nothing any of your efforts can completely control. The less you worry about them the better.
You can control what goals you set, what you do, whether you show yourself kindness and what boundaries you set for other people. So that's what we should all focus our attention on.
Egalitarian respect assumes that all people are equal and different. Nobody needs fixing; everyone can choose the right life for themselves.
Joy points for egalitarian respect
It does not punish you for the things you can't control - you can forget what other people think of you
It encourages honesty, authenticity and imperfection
It prevents using, manipulating or exploiting people
It promotes self-understanding, self-love and kindness
What are the implications for teaching?
Children and parents are growing increasingly despondent with traditional education because it places people in a hierarchy - those who are divergent are unfairly placed at the bottom and those who are obedient and privileged are unfairly placed at the top.
The biggest problem with schools that I have is that they encourage people to be dependent on approval. I'm invested in this because I loved school: I was a geek and there was no end of challenging chances to impress teachers. When I left, the real world was different. I couldn't get enough validation and I failed again and again. The best schools are aware of this and are seeking to allow children to develop their self-respect and power.
What are the implications for love?
Most of us have hoped that one day we'll find the person that will make us happy forever. Living with another person is almost impossible when you have a hierarchical definition of respect. When any two people live together, their flaws cannot be concealed forever and what was once a cute imperfection becomes an unbearable bad habit.
Jay Shetty has written Eight Rules of Love, which is based on egalitarian principles that are so much kinder than the ones we inherited from Hollywood.
The book has tasks, surveys and insights from the Hindu vedas that can help build self-awareness but there are many other sources for this. The gist of it is that we are all on a journey through life to discover our values and passions and we should be looking for ways of promoting and supporting this in our partners throughout our lifetimes.
What are the implications for being "good"?
In The Courage to be Disliked, the philosopher and the youth discuss different situations. One of which is the relatable case of picking up litter.
If you tidied up the staffroom and nobody said anything, what would you do?
With a hierarchical view of respect, it wouldn't have been worth your time. You should give up trying to be good and focus on things that get someone else's attention. Maybe complain that "nobody ever cleans up around here" or make sure that everyone knows you're not the dirtiest in the office.
With an egalitarian view of respect, you don't do things for recognition. You do things that match your values as that it is in your control. You should not expect anybody to be influenced by what you do. They may share the same values and tidy up too but it's not in your power to tell them what to do or judge them if they don't follow your example.
You can only live your life based on your own values and do your best to achieve them. Goodness is not a competition.
Conclusion
Egalitarian respect is what we need if we are to make the world support human wellbeing. We can compete with us other and find enjoyment in it, but ultimately everyone will lose if we make it a competition.
There a few ways I use to remind myself that my respect comes from within:
The serenity prayer: Give me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference.
The human declaration: We are all human beings so we are fallible and vulnerable.
It is easy to forget, even if you know all this. I spent two weeks longer than planned writing this post because I suffered from a bout of depression that made me question my worth as a dad, husband and human. I faced incredible internal criticism about the smallest of actions. I felt like I would never be brave again.
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