How many bullies have you known? What do they have in common? They have undeniable skills or strengths but all have insecurity. This post is about why we put other people down so much.
(Warning: this is a very serious topic. In film, mean characters either admit their insecurity and gain redemption and/or suffer. In real life, the actual arc isn't always so comforting. Put downs cause real pain, often without any sign of stopping. I know that there's a vast chasm between talking hypothetically and living it. I know it may upset people to discuss trauma. My hope for the inferiority theory is that it will reduce the power that cruelty commands when everyone knows it is an expression of weakness.)
Causes of cruelty
Put downs can serve our dominance drive - the in built desire to secure a place in the Troop. Being perceived as weak or helpless could mean that we're kicked out of the tribe before we stretch the resources. So tactically it makes sense to point out that others are weaker or less helpful. If you can convince them that they need to work for you, then you'll expend less energy and live a privileged life.
They also serve internal needs for self esteem and happiness. If we have a bad day and feel the world is against us, two cruel thought patterns are available.
Putting someone else down reminds us that, no matter how low we fall, someone else is beneath us. This reframes our problems and reminds us things could be worse
If we ever feel like we're weak, putting others down also allows us to remind ourselves that we have some power and control over our lives. This song from Nick Cope sums it up well.
What types of put downs are there?
There are definitely different types of put downs. I could have called this section cruelty, humiliation, belittling but I don't think they encompass the true nature of it. Their goal is self-promotion at the expense of another.
As you can see in the diagram, there are lots of types of behaviours that put others down - some are aggressive, others are passive aggressive. Importantly, there are others at the bottom of the iceberg that are never expressed but only cause pain to the person who thinks them. For example, someone who wants to be nice and respectful but gets a stab of jealousy, inferiority or resentment whenever he thinks of them.
Some positive behaviours can also be put downs. Tipping a waiter (extravagantly), bestowing (backhanded) compliments or forming a successful rock band (out of revenge) can be designed to make someone else suffer. The biggest tragedy is that so much energy, skill and time is invested in pursuing a goal but will never lead to happiness, even if they succeed in their revenge mission. Ultimately, we must avoid dependency on put downs.
Bullying
It is impossible to compare the pain from different types of put downs but the one with the most research might be bullying.
As a teacher, you're constantly aware of the need for children to be confident to try new skills. An unsafe or hypercritical classroom is like poison to learning. A targeted bullying campaign can tarnish memories of school for decades to come.
Humankind: A Hopeful History is a great book challenging the tempting assumption that we are selfish, cruel monsters. So much legislation, bureaucracy and anxiety is spent defending or diminishing the effects of unkindness. In one chapter, Rutger reports on the kinds of institutions where workplace bullying occurs. Surprisingly, it's not an industry with high levels of aggression or a cutthroat reputation: it's hospitals, universities and libraries.
Salin (2003) explained that the culture of those organisations is a key factor. This diagram is taken from her paper and can tell you what increases bullying.
Competitivity encourages us to indulge our dominance and ego drives and the perception of no consequences (i.e. many put downs are not against the law and the tenure system protects from dismissal) take away fears of being excluded or condemned from the Troop. Instead of ending bullying, accountability procedures protect it.
Here's a thought experiment to expose the problems with reactions to bullying in schools. Imagine if (for some reason) your family kept making you leave the living room every time you smiled. Any attempt to be happy is instantly snuffed out. What would you do?
If bullying is treated with exclusion, it doesn't address the cause. In fact it increases the inferiority by showing the bully that "no one wants them". It's unthinkable to live a life without pursuing happiness, so the bully will just try and find other ways of chasing superiority or escaping reality.
Racism
As a big football fan, it seemed impossible that incidents of racism at games should be rising in 2023. The Kick it Out campaign is 30 years old and society is so much more diverse and inclusive but so-called football fans are increasingly hurling insults at players that should have been left in the dark ages. Whilst the police prosecute perpetrators of hate crimes, Kick It Out's main approach is education: "To stop abuse happening in the first place, we need to shift people’s attitudes." I used to agree completely but I think it misses the point.
Racism is partly due to ignorance, but mostly to fear or anger. If you are annoyed at a player, the motivation erupts to make them feel weak and pathetic. You're even more powerful (in your own mind) if you attack their entire group.
dehumanises the objects of your attack
makes you feel like you're protecting someone or something
dismisses the complicated aspects of the world
transforms a cause of inferiority into a source of confidence
gives you quick and easy phrases and arguments to reuse in any circumstance
Adam Grant goes into more detail in his book, Think Again.
For this reason, education is an important factor in the fight. But I feel that it misses the heart of it: inferiority. Hurling abuse is an unacceptable attempt to deflect pain onto another. Far from being a show of strength, any put down should be recognised in the same way as a cry for help.
Utterly Global, an international anti-bullying organisation, reports that school bullies are much more likely to have mental health problems, have a criminal conviction and be incarcerated.
People with convictions for domestic violence, hate crimes or violent crimes are more likely to have experienced Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)
I think I should collect more evidence (with references) for this conclusion here.
Conclusion
We can't help feeling bad but we are always responsible for our own responses to it.
If each of us recognise our negative emotions before we act in cruel ways, we can realise that causing pain to another is not a solution.
If we address our inferiority through restoring our comfort level and then learning more and solving our problems, we won't waste time pursuing revenge.
If we recognise put downs as expressions of inferiority, we can sympathise and connect with the perpetrators. Rather than distance ourselves with fear and legislation, it is stronger relationships and support that will end the cycle.
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